Seven
by ichilover3
Summary: Their team had always been a little too close.


**So believe it or not, something sparked this. Halfway through I no longer remembered what that was, and no longer thought this was funny, but here I am. Posting it anyway.**

**I apologize in advance. I honestly don't even know. LOL**

* * *

It was strange, the four of them back on a mission together, but also nothing but familiar. They had been through so much—been through a _war_—but as Sakura sat there, watching Naruto and Sasuke bicker while Kakashi read what he called _erotic fiction_ and what she knew to be porn, it was like no time had passed at all. She could only sit and revel in the nostalgia.

"Sakura-chaaaan," Naruto groaned, plopping down next to her.

Sakura didn't bother looking up from sharpening her shuriken. "What."

The blond squirmed. "My tummy hurts."

"What are you, two?" she retorted. "I told you to be careful about what you put in your mouth."

"He's constipated," Sasuke supplied, as deadpan as if he were commenting on the weather.

Naruto nodded in confirmation. "Haven't pooped in four days."

"And whose fault is that?" the medic snapped, placing the shuriken back into its holster and grabbing a kunai. "That's what you get for eating all that ramen and no vegetables."

"I've been broke most of my life and it's a hard habit to break," he whined. "Please, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura sighed. "Fine, but this is the last time. Lay down and lift up your shirt."

Happily, Naruto did as he was told, jumping a little when her cold hands laid flat on his abdomen. When her familiar chakra entered his system, he stilled. "What are you doing?"

"Relaxing your colon." Sakura exhaled deeply. "Honestly, the things I do for you people."

Kakashi snapped his book shut. "Speaking of butts…"

Her teeth clenched. "Are you kidding me?"

The copy-nin held up his hands pacifyingly. "It's time for my physical."

"I know it is; I've been reminding you for weeks. Stop squirming, Naruto."

"I can't help it! It tickles."

"But you were busy then," Kakashi pressed. "And now you're not."

Sakura looked up, irritated. "May I just remind everyone that we are on a mission, and I am here to make sure no one loses a limb, not to monitor your prostate and or digestive health. I'm pretty sure there's a yogurt for that."

"But Sakura-chan~"

"Don't you Sakura-chan me!" she growled. "You know as well as I do that there are plenty of other people in the hospital that could have given you your physical."

He shrugged. "I like it when you do it."

This was an awkward truth that she pretended she didn't see when she gave him physicals. But to be more accurate, it was more like she was the only person he _trusted_ to do it. And Kakashi wasn't the only one—Naruto and Sasuke were both known to forgo treatment until Sakura got to them, which pissed her off to no end. Sasuke had once gone three days with a dislocated shoulder, his arm dangling uselessly until Sakura got back from her own mission and popped it back in for him.

It flattered her as much as it infuriated her. She was the best medic in Fire Country, quickly surpassing Tsunade, and it was nice for her team to finally recognize her ability. But they often misused it. Such as now, when she was acting as Naruto's own personal laxative.

Kakashi smiled at her. "Sa-ku-ra~?"

"Fine," she ground out through her teeth. "When I'm done with Naruto. _Stop squirming_."

"I think it's helping the process along!"

Murderous, she glared at the last Uchiha. "What about you? Any butt problems you'd like to share?!"

"Pretty sure he has something stuck up there," Naruto sniggered, reflexively dodging the rock that came flying at his head. "You'll have to look pretty far up though!"

"I'm so _sick_ of it!" the medic yelled, loud enough to startle all three of her teammates. "It's always _Sakura-chan, I ate a marble_. _Sakura-chan, I've got this weird rash_._ Sakura, is my crotch supposed to look like that?_ You always want something from me!"

They all had the good sense to look shamefaced.

"But does anyone care about how _I'm_ doing? Has anyone offered to take care of _Sakura-chan's butt?_"

Silence. She fumed, the green chakra around her hands retreating before she ripped Naruto's shirt down.

He sat up, face apologetic. "I'll take care of your butt, Sakura-chan."

She rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Naruto."

"What do you want, a salad toss or something?"

Sakura frowned. "What does that have to do with anything? You don't even like salad. There's a reason you're always so constipated."

The Kyuubi container nodded sagely. "But I can learn to like _your_ salad."

She just stared. "What the—"

"I see the problem here!" Kakashi piped in cheerily, flipping to a page in his trusty book and tilting it into her line of sight. "This is what he means."

Sakura choked on her own spit, emerald eyes wide. "_WHAT?_"

Naruto looked lost. "You're not into that? I just thought…with all the butt talk…"

"She probably just prefers fingers," Sasuke said much too reasonably. His intense gaze turned to her. "Is that what you want?"

Her jaw just about hit the ground. _What was happening_? In what dimension did her childhood crush offer to fingerfuck her in the ass?

Baffled, she looked between them, waiting for one of them to laugh. But both of her boys were _serious_. This was not a joke. Lord help her.

Kakashi flipped to a different page, inclined his head. "This maybe?"

She had to be dreaming. There was no other explanation to her team suddenly offering her sexual favors. In fact, this reminded her of that time during the war when they were all stuck in another dimension and Sakura, realizing she was the only female, had many a fantasy about having to repopulate the earth. "I think I need to sit down."

"You are sitting down," Kakashi replied, amused.

Naruto suddenly jumped up. "Whoops, gotta go! Hold that thought. Duty calls!" He grinned. "Get it? Du—"

"Everyone gets it," Sasuke responded irritably, finally relieving Sakura of his stare. "Dobe."

Naruto huffed, mumbling to himself as he wandered off to find a decent bush to shit in.

Dazed, Sakura nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt Kakashi's hand on her knee. "We really do appreciate you, Sakura," he said gently, his gaze as fervent as Sasuke's. "So how about you think about it and let us know?"

Sasuke inclined his head. "Think about it," he agreed.

She actually felt faint. "I will," she croaked.

"Great!" Kakashi said happily, giving her knee a pat before removing his hand entirely. "Now about that physical…"

"Hey!" Naruto's voice came distantly. "Can someone pass me the toilet paper? This one's a big one. Sakura-chaaan!"

* * *

**A/N: In which Sakura is a lucky bitch. Why are they all on a mission when that is hella unlikely and against all logic?**

**Butts, that's why**


End file.
